UR TV CAST

This is the first terrestrial channel to give an airing to those dreadful soft porn movies from the early Seventies. And a channel not noted for its documentary output put out two “major” documentaries last week. Melinda Messenger recently stood in for him and she was rather good. Well, at least she seemed interested in the “nobodies” paraded before her.The Melinda Messenger Show would neatly dovetail with something else Channel 5 – owned by Pearson, United News & Media, German media group CLT-UFA and investment bank EM Warburg – has never been shy of exploiting – sex.

In the chaotic venue of a news studio, Kirsty must be at one with the universe.And Jack Docherty? It’s the viewers, alas, who drop into a semi-yogic trance. When are British commissioning editors going to give up trying to replicate the Johnny Carson/David Letterman chat show format? It’s now over ten years since Jonathan Ross’s The Last Resort, and the TV schedules are littered with the corpses of those who have tried to follow. At least Danny Baker wasn’t on three times a week.But it’s not Jack’s fault if he’s miscast, and at least he’s having the honesty to quit – leaving because he’s fed up with interviewing “nobodies” (it takes one to know one). All you would tell us was that you were going to be “modern and mainstream” And you gave us Kirsty. To give her her due, she’s good in an eery sort of way – a chip off the old Anna Ford/Selina Scott ice maiden/sex goddess block. As for her much vaunted “naturalness” in front of the camera, the most telling thing she ever said was her admission that she goes “into a semi-yogic trance if things start to go wrong”. Go on, then, name something worth watching on Channel 5.

And don’t say “football” because you’d watch football if it were on L!ve TV with post-match analysis from News Bunny and a topless Scandinavian weather girl. And don’t say 5 News with Kirsty Young because we all know that this is a gimmicky, patronising format for people who find News at Ten too taxing. And the way the reporters talk to each other is pure Playschool. “Hello, Kirsty, and what’s in today’s Budget?” “Well, through the round window…”

Happy birthday Channel 5 Let me help you blow the candles out. Born on March 31st (April 1st might have been more apt), I’ve been there every day of your young life. I was there when you paid that money to the Spice Girls to wet the baby’s head. When Kirsty took her first steps across the studio floor, and when Xena brought the dominatrix out of the bedroom and into the living room.
Like your near contemporaries, Tony Blair’s Labour government, you promised us nothing – and we weren’t disappointed.

Substitutes: Bebeto (Botafogo) for Romario, 81; Doriva (Porto) for Denilson, 81.Referee: D Elleray (England).. Substitutes: Kirsten (Bayer Leverkusen) for Klinsmann, h-t; Tarnat (Bayern Munich) for Ziege, 68; Babbel (Bayern Munich) for Helmer, 81.BRAZIL: Taffarel (Atletico Mineiro); Cafu (Roma), Junior Baiano (Flamengo), Aldair (Roma), Roberto Carlos (Real Madrid), Rivaldo (Barcelona), Cesar Sampaio (Ana Sato Kogyo), Dunga (Jubilo Iwata), Denilson (Sao Paulo), Romario (Flamengo), Ronaldo (Internazionale). “This was a great friendly, a taste of things to come at the World Cup,” he said. “It could have been a 1-1 draw or even a 2-1 victory for Germany. We must thank Ronaldo, who showed just how fast and clever he is.”GERMANY: Kopke (Marseilles); Thon (Schalke 04), Helmer (Bayern Munich), Kohler (Borussia Dortmund), Worns (Bayer Leverkusen), Heinrich (Borussia Dortmumd), Hamann (Bayern Munich), Ziege (Milan), Moller (Borussia Dortmund), Klinsmann (Tottenham), Bierhoff (Udinese).

“I’m a bit angry because we lost the match through silly little mistakes. We would have deserved a draw but I believe we’re heading towards the right direction.”His Brazilian counterpart, Mario Zagallo, had expected a reaction from his players after some embarrassing setbacks in the Concacaf Gold Cup in the United States last month. The home side levelled in the 65th minute when the substitute Ulf Kirsten took advantage of a slip by the defender Aldair to beat the goalkeeper Taffarel from close range.Kirsten had come on at half-time to replace the captain, Jurgen Klinsmann, who made a disappointing comeback after missing the national team’s last four matches due to injury.”My team played brilliantly and gave their all,” Vogts said. Germany’s coach Berti Vogts, whose side had lost their last match on the same Stuttgart pitch with a 1-0 defeat to France in June 1996, failed to equal the national record of 23 matches without defeat set under Jupp Derwall from 1978 to 1981.Brazil opened the scoring in the 27th minute, with Cesar Sampaio heading home from a corner by Roberto Carlos. Eight minutes later, Germany lost their veteran defender Jurgen Kohler, who received his marching orders for a vicious tackle on Cafu.